


99 Problems (And This Is The Worst)

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Confusion, M/M, Marriage, Multi, dave freaks out, davekat - Freeform, karkat is confused, karkat what are you doing, popping the question (uneducated smh), uh oh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-01
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-03 17:30:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5300348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Dave Strider, and you've finally come across something warm enough to make you lose your cool.</p><p>Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you don't fucking understand why Dave is making such a big deal out of this.</p><p>(I can't stress this enough: this fic does not correlate perfectly with Homestuck, even though it's set on the meteor. I'm perfectly aware of this, and it's that way for the benefit of the story. The end.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. > Be a very problemstruck Dave Strider.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi hi, so first of all I want to say that this will have 5 parts, and I'll be posting the first 4 in twos. It will go like this: Dave's perspective, then Karkat's, which will be posted at the same time. Does that even make sense idk

Year three on the meteor is unpleasant, to say the least, yet not much worse than the first two have been (in your eyes, anyway). You have an abundance of entertainment options: drawing shitty, ironic comics that no one even cracks a smile at except for you, writing earsore rap songs about how no one regards your comics even though they're rad as fuck and you're willing to take commissions, being utterly lazy, and being generally irritating to anyone who will stick around you long enough.

Sometimes, you hang out with Rose. With her comes Kanaya, which is pretty much a given by now, but you don't mind it. You're happy for them. Somebody's relationship needs to be going smoothly while you're here, for Christ's sake. What's a meteor full of boring assholes like yourselves without a little romance thrown in?

Anyway, you can only bear Rose and Kanaya for so long. They're great and all, but at times they start to ramble on about shit you're far too daft to understand (and too flippant to even try). You often wonder if they've come up with some sort of secret, highly intelligent method of verbal communication that they know everyone else is too dumb to understand that they use to talk dirty to each other while other people are around. As unlikely as that seems, and as obvious as it is that they're still speaking English, it's a funny thought. You even made a comic of that kind of scenario once (and Rose was beyond repulsed by it, because the two of you apparently have very different senses of humor).

When you're not feeling the idea of gracing those two with your presence, you also visit Terezi, but it's gotten to the point where she's barely ever caught without a bottle of Faygo and a head that's fucked up (Gamzee's doing, of course, and maybe yours a little too for breaking up with her), so she's no longer the most favorable company. And Gamzee, well, no one ever sees him anymore. Even if they did, you don't think he'd even be in your top fifty choices of people to hang around, which is saying a lot because there aren't even fifty people on this meteor.

Oh, and on the occasion, you lounge around Karkat's block and bother him to the ends of the Earth. And "bother" is a loose term for it, really, because the two of you have gotten into the habit of chilling out and watching movies, and actually getting along for the most part. In fact, he's probably your favorite person here to be around. You've definitely noticed that he isn't as shouty as he once was, but you can't tell if it's because he's finally maturing out of that Rage Stage (as you like to call it, because it makes sense and it rhymes) or if it's because he's getting used to you. He still bitches at you routinely, but he's nicer about it. Not that that makes any sense, but whatever.

Things are going about like that, really, when he drops the bomb on you.

You're sitting on his couch, leaning against each other pretty heavily. There's a troll romcom playing on Karkat's husktop, which is sitting halfway on your lap and halfway on his. You don't really understand it at all. The quadrants are still a mystery to you, for the most part, but you don't want to ask Karkat to explain anything to you. You know he would end up going on something indistinguishable between a rant and an explanation. Knowing what's going on in full isn't worth being lectured by the literal picture of impatience.

You'd much rather be watching a normal comedy or an action/adventure movie, but Karkat doesn't own many of those, and the ones he does own were your first choices when you two first started having these little sessions, so you've run out and are stuck watching these. They're not so bad, you suppose. They pass the time, and they keep Karkat's mind occupied enough for him to refrain from yelling at you or yelling about someone/something else.

At the moment, you'd be lying if you said you weren't slowly falling asleep. That wouldn't be a problem, since you've stayed over with Karkat before, but you know that even thinking of sleep right now is virtually pointless. Karkat has never let you fall asleep during a movie. He claims that he wants you to watch them so that you might eventually understand the quadrants (educational purposes), but you think that's bullshit and that he really just feels lonely watching them by himself. He always catches you when you start dozing off, even if you're still wearing your shades.

However, no matter how hard you try this time, you can't help drifting off. As always, you're half asleep on his shoulder when Karkat's voice brings you back, and you're pretty sure he's caught you, but he doesn't sound pissy.

"Hey, Dave?" he says softly.

You half jump and straighten yourself up in surprise, removing your head from his shoulder. "What? Sorry, dude. I can't help it."

You massage your temples briefly and remove your shades to rub at your eyes, leaving your vision blurry for a couple seconds. When you decide to risk a glance at Karkat, he just looks confused.

"Were you falling asleep, asshole?"

Well, you just gave yourself away for nothing. Shit.

You shrug and put your sunglasses back on. "Oops. Like I said, I can't help it." You punctuate your statement with a loud yawn. "Is that not what you were trying to fuck with me about?"

Karkat scowls at you, and you can't kill the tiny smirk that makes its way onto your face. As nice as it is to finally be on good terms with the angry little douchewad you used to be worried about, it's almost as nice when you irritate him, too.

"Actually, I was planning on asking you something, grubfucker," he responds matter-of-factly.

You stick your legs out and prop them up on the tiny table in front of the couch, causing the husktop to shift and nearly fall, but Karkat catches it last minute and glares at you once he's stabilized it again.

"What?" you mutter. "Don't give me that look. It's not like that thing's irreplaceable. If it breaks, just alchemize a new one."

He furrows his eyebrows. "I don't want a different one. I've had this thing for years."

"All the more reason to get a new one," you point out.

You can tell that he wants to bite back, but he doesn't. What a surprise.

"Anyway," he begins, putting stress on the word, "I have a question, if you'll just let me fucking ask it already."

You quirk an eyebrow and put your hands behind your head. "Fire it at me. Ain't no question this guy can't answer, no sir. I could probably-"

"Dave Strider," he breaks in, quite loudly. "Shut the fuck up for two seconds, will you? Holy shit, do you have that human attention deficit disease or something? I'm trying to talk. Did your stupid little hearnubs stop functioning?"

"Actually, it's not a disease, it's a disorder-"

"That's not the goddamned point. Shut your mouth and tell me about it later. Or don't. I don't even give a shit."

You finally give up and sink back into the couch a little, waiting for him to continue. He grabs the husktop and places it carefully on the table, which your feet are still resting on, and he proceeds to turn slightly so that he's sitting facing you a bit more with his hands in his lap. The look on his face makes you think for the first time that this might actually be something important, so you try to be a little more serious.

You assume that it might have something to do with the game, and what you all are going to do when you make it off of the meteor, but that's about the farthest thing from what comes out of his mouth.

"So, Strider, I've been thinking. Even though you're an obnoxious nookwhiffing fucktacular shithead and you make my thinkpan ache and I despise you half of the time, I've determined that you're not as terrible as I initially concluded."

Oh, so you're getting the overly pleasant Karkat friendship seal of approval, speech and all.

Actually, you're wrong about that, too.

He sighs deeply and breaks eye contact with you, seemingly hesitant, but keeps talking after a moment. "I know we haven't talked much about our whole situation, whatever the hell I mean by that, and I have literally no clue how you feel about me, so I thought I'd just ask and get it over with. Do you wanna marry me?"

You forget how to breathe instantly, because what in the actual fuck? Your eyes just about bug out of your head, and you can't stop staring at him, mouth slightly agape. That's the actual last thing you ever expected to hear from him. Holy shit. Your mind goes blank, and you don't even know how to react. Every set of words you come up with to say seems like the wrong set, so you're left speechless for longer than you can count, which is kind of ridiculous since you're the Knight of Time and all.

And it doesn't help that Karkat is sitting there, gazing at you expectantly, as if this is the most normal thing in the world.

Eventually, you feel pressured to say at least something, as if your time to contemplate and mentally panic is up. "You know what? I… Actually, I think I need to be heading back home." Smooth. Your voice is wavering and your face is hotter than the fucking sun at this point. "But I'll think about it," you add very quietly, not wanting to crush Karkat's hopes.

He looks mildly disappointed, but he nods subtly anyway. "Oh, okay. I mean, I'm not going to force you or anything. If you don't feel that way, it's fine. I know I'm kind of an asshole to you most of the time, but that's just how I am, I guess. I don't mean shit by it."

You can tell he's barely keeping it together, and you feel incredibly guilty. It's not that you don't like Karkat. You're pretty sure the both of you have been dancing around that whole idea for at least a month, but you didn't expect him to spring something that huge on you. You hadn't even talked about your goddamn feelings yet, or been a couple for even two seconds, but all of a sudden, boom. The husband card. What the hell, Karkat? You don't understand at all. Is that a troll thing? Has he been flirting with you and you were too much of a dumb fuck realize it? Does he think you two are already a thing, and if so, how long has he thought that? It's all pretty bewildering to you.

"No, just…" You pause, totally unsure what to say. After a few seconds, you stand up. "Like I said, I just need to mull it over, you know?" You thank whatever higher power that you're more composed on the outside than you feel on the inside, because if you weren't you'd be butchering this even worse than you already are.

You walk a little too fast to the door, and when you get there, you can't even bring yourself to turn around and look at Karkat, but you manage to choke out a shaky little, "Goodnight, Karcrab."

"Night, Dave," he replies in a near whisper, and you can tell you've fucked him up. You can't help it.

You try not to look like you're in a hurry to go as you exit his block, your head still spinning. As soon as you get outside, you pull at your hair and grit your teeth, resisting the strong urge to cringe at every single thing that just happened. You glance around nervously, paranoid that someone might have been around to hear that, although you know it's an irrational thought. There's no way anyone would have been able to hear you two. You don't see anyone, anyway, so you start walking quickly away from Karkat's block.

You're a bit more relieved now that you're away from him and you don't feel like you absolutely must say something right this second, but you're still freaking the absolute fuck out just a tiny bit (or a lot).

You can barely walk straight on the way back to the block you share with Rose. You can't stop thinking about how completely wrong this whole thing is.

First off, where did Karkat even learn about marriage? Or do trolls do that too? You're pretty sure they don't. Don't they, like, have matespirits or whatever the hell they're called? You can't remember. Maybe he heard Rose talking about it somehow, or maybe you've said something about it, but you don't recall. Maybe even John or Jade said something forever ago that he remembers.

Second, how would you even get married here? None of you are preachers, that's for fucking sure. It would be about a thousand percent untraditional.

You were pretty sure Karkat liked you at least a little bit. Kanaya had told you she thought he did, and you trusted her judgement, because she would know a lot more about troll behavior than you, but you didn't think he liked you that much at all.

You want to talk to Rose about it very badly, but you're embarrassed enough as it is without her knowing about it. Though she's a great helper and she would probably know exactly what to say, you feel like she'd probably tease you in her smart, pompous way. What a bitch.

You don't have much of a choice when you get back to your block, anyway, because Rose isn't there. You're not too astonished. She spends most of her time with Kanaya, and your room is starting to show it. In the beginning, it was a lot more feminine, and most of it looked like it belonged to her. With her being off with Kanaya doing God knows what a good deal of the time, you've started to take it back over gradually and make it your Ultimate Dave Cave. You wonder if Rose is going to start moving her stuff so that she can just live and thrive at Kanaya's. Then maybe you could make it look more like your old room at home, but you secretly think that would probably make you too emotional.

You're feeling metaphorically lost after the first few minutes of lying on your bed and staring up at the ceiling. Surprisingly, you manage to think about things other than the incident that just came about with Karkat, but it always circles back around to that pretty quickly. You know that answering him is inevitable. You don't want to tear his poor little angry heart in two, but you're not even close to ready to get married. Both of you are barely teenagers, and you still act like a kid most of the time. Besides, you don't think you could stand it if you married him and he ended up getting torn away from you in some fucked up way (meaning Lord English or some other bullshit this game might throw at you).

You're so conflicted. Usually you're cool and chilled out about most things, but this is the dreadful exception. You have enough on your plate without having to stress over this. You're almost certain that you're not going to marry him, so that's really not even the dilemma. The dilemma is how you're supposed to tell him that without making him too upset and ruining your friendship. Though he's like a little bottle of soda that got shaken up too much and is ready to explode, Karkat is a cool guy, and you're really digging your broship with him. You don't want that to end over the two of you not being on the same page about this.

Having already been tired and nearly fallen asleep on Karkat, it doesn't take very long before you're knocked out. On Derse, you come across the woman you believe to be the younger version of Rose's and your mother, as well as the man who seems to be the younger version of your brother. You don't even make much of an effort to interact with them - partly because your dream self is irrational and slightly wonky, and partly because you know that they will disappear before you can speak with them. This has always happened whenever you come across them here, so you've pretty much given up. Other than that, your time on Derse is relatively unexciting.

In fact, it doesn't have a lot of time to be. It's cut tragically short when you're pulled out of sleep by an unknown sound. Once you're actually awake, it isn't too hard to figure out that it was the sound of the door closing.

You don't sit up yet, but you squint open your eyes to peer over and see who's here. It turns out to be Rose, which isn't much of a shocker. Come to think about it, you're not sure why you even thought it might be anyone else. Maybe because your subconscious fears that Karkat will come hunting you down prematurely, demanding an answer. This reminds you that you were thinking about possibly telling Rose what's going on. But she speaks before you get the chance.

"Hello," she greets simply. "Did I disturb you?"

You finally force yourself to sit upright as she takes a seat at the edge of her bed on the other side of the room.

You're not worried about offending her, so you nod. "Yeah, little bit. I guess no real shit was hitting the fan on Derse, though, so being awake is probably more interesting for now anyway."

She smiles lightly. "It's good to know I didn't ruin anything too extraordinary."

Before you can convince yourself not to say it, you blurt, "Yeah, except for maybe Kanaya's weird feminine troll anatomy."

Rather than getting all flustered, Rose just rolls her eyes at you and crosses her arms.

"I bet you'd get off on that, wouldn't you, Dave?" She sighs, and you scrunch up your face in disgust.

"No, dude, you're my fucking sister. God, what creep ass taught you that was even a remotely okay thing to say?"

She raises her eyebrows. "Right. I often forget about that. I'm still not used to it. Forgive me if I offended you. Anyway, I think that you have the wrong idea about my relationship with Kanaya. Though we are indeed quite fond of one another, we don't spend our time on petty physical bonding. We do a lot of relevant things, like plan carefully for what is to come in the game. Her intellect combined with my own, plus my powers as a Seer, give us some useful insight into the way things should play out, so we know how to plan."

"I don't remember asking about all that, but okay," you mumble, slumping back down some.

"You will want to know when our careful conspiring comes to be handy, will you not?"

You shrug. "Touché, I guess. You two are the smart ones."

"You've got that part right, at least."

You consider if this would be a good time to bring up your problem, and decide that now is as good a time as any.

"Actually, I could use some of your smart lady advice right about now," you admit, a bit quieter and less confident than usual.

"Oh? Is something wrong?" Rose inquires.

You try and think about how you're going to explain this. You're almost positive it's going to sound stupid to her, and in the end she'll tell you exactly what you need to hear, and you'll feel like a dumbass for not realizing that the answer was right in front of you the whole time. Duh, Dave.

"Well, I was over at Karkat's, and we were chilling out and shit like normal, but then he said he wanted to ask me something. So I'm, like, not concerned at all and I'm like, 'Sure, man, what's the dealio?' but it was actually a way bigger dealio than I thought it was going to be, and long story short, he asked me to marry him!" you finish in mock cheerfulness, taking a breath to make up for not breathing pretty much the entire time you were talking.

You look at Rose for the first time since you started speaking, and her eyes are wider than you've ever seen them.

"Holy shit," she breathes out. "Are you joking? Don't tell me you're pulling some kind of dumb prank."

"I wish," you scoff, studying your fingernails absentmindedly.

"My God, what did you say?"

You don't know whether to lie or tell the truth. What you said was pretty stupid, but then again you can't really think of anything less stupid you could have said that would make her judge you any less, so you go with the latter.

"Told him I'd think about it, then I left and came back here."

There's a long pause, and you're too afraid to glance over at her, so you don't.

"And are you?" She sounds a little bit afraid.

You almost laugh. "Fuck no. I'm sixteen, and I barely act it. I ain't gonna get hitched."

You can hear the relief in her voice that follows. "Oh, I see. So then what's the problem? Are you afraid of how he's going to react when you tell him that?"

"Bingo," you confirm with a click of your tongue.

Rose clasps her hands together in her lap formally, taking on her full on therapist stance. Honestly, all she's missing is a clipboard. You begin to feel a little more comfortable with this.

"Hold on, let's backtrack a little," she suggests. "How exactly do you feel about Karkat?"

Amazingly, you don't feel completely chagrined sharing this information with her. If it was John or Jade, you'd be holding back, but that's mainly because you haven't seen them in years and you're pretty sure they're both straight as fucking rulers. John, you know for a fact, wouldn't beat around the bush too much and would be overly straightforward in asking questions that you would probably rather cut your dick off than answer.

"I like him," you reply truthfully. "I'd be his troll boyfriend or whatever. He's fun to hang out with when he's not being an asshole and I think we're slowly converting each other into our interests so that we're not so different. I'm still worried about the cultural differences. Like the quadrants. I still don't think I could roll with that. It's just not natural for me. I don't want to offend him or anything, though. So yeah, in summary, I do like him and I'd be willing to try and work that whole thing out, I guess."

You're not sure how true that is. The whole deal with Terezi was a little too much for you, what with her side hatedates with Gamzee, and you couldn't force yourself to understand it and get used to it. You wonder if the same thing would happen with Karkat. Now that Gamzee's not his moirail or whatever the hell anymore, you're pretty sure that leaves all of his quadrants unfilled. Still, that doesn't mean he won't fill them. Perhaps you could compromise with him. Maybe one person can be all of the quadrants at once? Is that even possible?

Rose stares at you intently for a few seconds as if prying at your soul, and you stare back. It's like she thinks you're not telling her everything. When she seemingly decides you're done talking, she crosses one leg over the other and lifts her chin up slightly.

"I suspected that you felt something for him beyond that of a friend," she tells you, almost as if she's boasting. "Why don't you tell him that? Tell him that you don't want to marry him, but that you're willing to try a relationship with him."

At first, you think that sounds like a decent idea, but it only takes you a few seconds to decide otherwise.

You stretch your arms high above your head, making your voice come out a little strained. "I don't know if I can do that, man. I might feel like too much of an asshole if I do. I think it'd be awkward knowing that he's sitting there ready to marry me and all I want is a normal relationship. Does that make any sense at all?"

Rose looks like she's about to tell you it doesn't, but she nods reluctantly. "Yes, I guess I can see where that might cause some tension. No matter what you decide in the end, I believe that the best course of action to take is simply to talk to him. Put your feelings out there for him to see, and give him the chance to do the same."

You don't think that's very good advice, but you're not rude enough to tell her that. It's not like you already had any choice but to talk to him in the long run. You know that you don't have too much time before he confronts you about it, or until you feel so anxious that he will that you turn the tables and do the confronting yourself.

Rose stands up from her bed, and you give her a quizzical look, to which she responds with, "As much as I love sorting out your personal issues with you, I promised Kanaya I would return shortly." She grabs a book off of her end table and smiles at you gently. "See you later, Dave. If you need me, don't hesitate to contact me."

You wave her goodbye as she exits your block, immediately exhaling and letting your head fall back against the wall once she's gone. You had a lot on your plate already - shit, all of you did. You were on a meteor spiraling to your destination near the speed of light, and all you had to look forward to upon getting off was more death and destruction and paradoxical enigma.

Somehow, for the time being, that is the least of your worries.


	2. > Be a confused Karkat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's quite a bit shorter than Dave's eh

Year three on the meteor, for you, has been thoroughly fucked up for countless reasons. You don't think you have the will to be stuck here much longer with the same people. Though you'd never voice this out loud, you're considerably certain, you sort of miss Sollux. And Tavros. And you'd even go as far as to say that you feel a little itty bitty microscopic twinge of sadness whenever you think about Eridan. You pretty much miss everyone who died.

Going beyond that, you miss the old Gamzee as well. You miss the Gamzee who was your moirail and who wouldn't shut his face about miracles for five seconds, and who used to make you feel pretty alright when you needed him to. He doesn't exist anymore.

Everything has changed. The game has altered every single aspect of your life, and most of it was for the worse. You don't have any doubt that it's your fault. You fucked up pretty badly. You wanted to play this game as desperately as everyone else. You wanted to be a leader, and you wanted to feel significant. You could have stopped it, and none of this would ever have occurred, and you wouldn't be here right now. You'd be back at your hive, watching Will Smith movies and practicing to join the ranks of the Threshecutioners. 

But you didn't, and you aren't. 

You would have gotten culled eventually, so it's safe to say that you don't suffer a much worse fate by playing this game than you would have if you were still on Alternia. But what about the others? They would have lives, and they would have hope. 

But they don't. There's no going back now. You've all made it this far, red and blue teams merging to form one (even if half of you all but turned against one another in the end). 

Of course, there are some upsides to this whole ordeal, if not many. One of those upsides, in your unwilling opinion, is Dave Strider. 

Dave Strider - the utterly embittering, egotistical douchecanoe that you now call your best friend. It's hard to put the past in the past. You remember vividly how much he used to get under your skin and drive you up the motherfucking wall when you first met him, what with his senseless obsession with irony, his persistent attempts at overly explaining things to be funny, and his (bluntly) shitty interests. He had no class whatsoever.

Truthfully, you still believe most of this about him, but you've come to respect it (and even enjoy it to an extent). He still makes you want to stab yourself through the bloodpusher with your own sickle at times, but you like him. He makes you about as happy as anyone can be, given your specific circumstances. 

That's why you find the tiniest amounts of pleasure in having him over at your block to watch movies, talk, and just do whatever. It's a little embarrassing, really. You think you could probably do better than Dave if you were really set on it, but you're not. Your standards are through the roof when it comes to quadrantmates, yet somehow he lives up to them.

You're ready to tell him that, too, you think. You believe that the idea of him feeling the same is not too far-fetched. However, you're a bit worried that he's like John, and he's "not a homosexual." You still think that's the most ridiculous human concept out of all of them that you've had the displeasure of hearing. 

You won't know until you ask. Even if Dave is a homosexual or whatever, it doesn't mean that he'll like you, so you've got plenty to stress over. You know that you're a pretty big douchebag to him and you spew offensive bullshit at him ninety percent of the time, but you're also pretty sure that he's grown accustomed to it and doesn't take it too seriously. You can hope. 

So, you plan for it in advance. You take the liberty to tidy up your block some before Dave comes around. Not that it's usually too wrecked. You actually spend quite a bit of your days cleaning up, since there's not much else to do. 

When he comes over, you put on the corniest romcom you can find, in hopes that it'll butter him up and make him feel especially sappy (you know that's exactly what it'll do for you, but maybe that's just because you're a huge sucker for those kinds of movies). 

The whole time, your thinkpan is going haywire, and your bloodpusher is in overdrive at the very thought of going through with this. You fear rejection above all else. You fear that he will be disgusted, disappointed, that he won't want to be your friend anymore. So, yes, you're just a little anxious about this. You don't let it on. 

Finally, a little over halfway through the movie, you decide it's time to get this show on the road. You know that Dave doesn't really get the quadrants, cause he's a thick skulled assmunch, so he probably wouldn't understand it if you told him you had red feelings for him and asked him to be your matesprit. Instead, you go for the more culturally sensitive option. 

You've heard the humans mention marriage before, and you've put the pieces together. You've come to the conclusion that asking a human to marry you is the same thing as asking a troll to be your matesprit, which you think is kind of strange, but it doesn't matter. You're down with the weird ass, inferior (in your opinion) human way of doing things if you think it might save you from having to explain to Dave what you're asking and making yourself look like an idiotic shitsponge. 

So, you eventually swallow your pride and break the silence that's been lingering since the start of the movie. Dave is laying on your shoulder, which you think is kind of cute, and which you also hate yourself for thinking is cute. Fuck him for being practically flawless and knowing it. God, you can't stand yourself for feeling this way. It's so dumb.

"Hey, Dave?" You crane your neck some to try and get a look at him. 

He goes rigid and you're suddenly feeling the lack of weight on your shoulder where his head used to be. It's easier to look at him this way, though, so you're okay with it. 

"What?" he murmurs, sounding a little drowsy. "Sorry, dude. I can't help it."

You're a little bit confused for a second as you watch him take off his shades, and you try to catch a glimpse of his eyes before he puts them back on, but it's hard to see them when his hands are covering them. 

You remember the first time he took his sunglasses off in front of you. It was during the beginning of year two, and he made you promise not to make fun of him. You had always been curious as to why he seemed so determined to keep those stupid things glued to his face, and you had tried not to seem too eager to finally figure it out. When he took them off, you were a little bit startled at first. You'd never seen anyone else with red eyes, and his were brighter than yours. But it made you feel less like a freak. It was also one of the first signs that he trusted you, and you hold that memory pretty close to your bloodpusher, even though you hate to admit it (even to yourself).

Ever since then, you've tried to look at his eyes every chance you get, but you don't get many. 

Snapping out of your brief trance and coming to a realization, you scold, "Were you falling asleep, asshole?"

"Oops. Like I said, I can't help it." He shrugs, but keeps a straight face, giving you enough of a glance for you to get your wish before his eyes are once again obscured by his sunglasses. He yawns annoyingly loudly. "Is that not what you wanted to fuck with me about?"

You give him a look that clearly says I'm-disgusted-with-your-repulsive-antics-and-you-need-to-grow-up-in-the-next-two-seconds-before-I-bust-an-organ-because-how-many-billions-of-times-have-I-asked-you-not-to-fall-asleep-during-movies. And he has the audacity to smile back at you. And the level of disdain you feel bubbling to the surface at that is ferocious, but he's plainly not afraid, which gives you an even worse feeling (you can't tell if it's anger or disappointment).

Doesn't he understand that you could spontaneously tire of his existence and feed him your sickle, and he probably wouldn't be able to do shit about it? You know he's a god tier (who doesn't, honestly, as much as he goes around flaunting his seeingsocketsore of a cape?), so he technically is immortal, but you could still dig a nice, sharp blade through his chest or maybe borrow Kanaya's chainsaw. And then he could come back and kill you. 

What quadrant is this even in? God, you can't tell anymore. Sometimes it feels flushed, sometimes it feels caliginous. You don't think he hates or respects you enough to return caliginous feelings, which is a bummer, because sometimes he really pisses you off and makes you want to find Gamzee and let him club you up the skull to rid you of his ongoing shitspewing. Oh, how it seeps. It seeps into your very soul, where caliginous feelings are born, and disturbs them like a bloodshow excites a young grub. 

You hate how much he confuses you. It's so stupid. But he doesn't understand the way things work for you, so he can't stick to a single quadrant. Sometimes he acts like your moirail when you're upset, sometimes he acts like your matesprit, and sometimes he provokes caliginous feelings in yourself because he can't stop grinding on your nerves every time you're around him. 

You really wish he was scared of you. No matter how much you threaten him, he doesn't take you seriously. But why should he? You're not acting on your words, and, truth be told, you don't have any desire to. You'd never hurt him. You'd never hurt any of your friends unless they forced you to. 

"Actually, I was planning on asking you something, grubfucker." You hope you don't sound as half-hearted to him as you sound to yourself.

Then, he props his legs up onto your table (your beautiful table that doesn't need Strider shoe meteor dust on it) and almost knocks your husktop off onto the floor in the process. In a panic, you manage to save it, but you give him a look to express your distaste. 

"What? Don't give me that look." You want to strangle him. "It's not like that thing's irreplaceable. If it breaks, just alchemize a new one."

"I don't want a new one. I've had this thing for years." It's like your baby, really.

You know what he's going to say before he even says it. "All the more reason to get a new one." Asshole.

As much as you'd love to chew his ass about your husktop for the next twenty minutes, you don't want to get off of your original topic for fear of backing out. 

"Anyway, I have a question, if you'll just let me fucking ask it already." Your patience is thinning pretty fast. You want nothing more than to get this over with.

He raises an eyebrow and folds his hands behind his head, leaning into the couch as if he's the greatest thing that ever did exist (and it's not that he isn't, but it just irritates you off the edge of the meteor that he not only is, but acts like it too). "Fire it at me. Ain't no question this guy can't answer, no sir. I could probably-"

Here it comes. This is exactly what you mean. He's about to go off on one of his ridiculous analogies that will involve something completely unrelated to the subject. You don't have time for this shit. You really don't. 

"Dave Strider," you interrupt exasperatedly. "Shut the fuck up for two seconds, will you? Holy shit, do you have that human attention deficit disease or something?" Isn't that a thing? You're pretty sure it is. If so, you're nearly positive he has it. "I'm trying to talk. Did you stupid little hearnubs stop functioning?" 

"Actually, it's not a disease, it's a disorder-" Oh, Jegus. No. Is he doing this on purpose? Probably. There's no way he's that daft.

"That's not the goddamned point. Shut your mouth and tell me about it later. Or don't. I don't even give a shit." 

He seems to resign, much to the relief of your blood pressure and your throat. You move the husktop from your lap to the table, and turn towards Dave, trying very hard not to fidget around with your hands in your lap. It feels hotter in here. Why are you so scared? This has been a long time coming, and you're pretty sure he knows that, too. You don't want to get rejected. You don't need another reason to feel disappointed in yourself. Not being able to seduce a weird coolkid douchefuck would be the ultimate humiliation. Top of the list. 

With effort, you're eventually able to puke up some words.

"So, Strider, I've been thinking. Even though you're an obnoxious nookwhiffing fucktacular shithead and you make my thinkpan ache and I despise you half of the time-" That was the wrong thing to say. Fuck. You don't know how to compliment him other than insulting him. "-I've determined that you're not as terrible as I initially concluded." Great.

He seems to immediately get bored after that, as if he's not surprised in the least, but he keeps his mouth shut, thankfully. 

You huff out a sigh in attempt to prepare yourself and stall a little bit. "I know we haven't talked much about our whole situation, whatever the hell I mean by that, and I have literally no clue how you feel about me, so I thought I'd just ask and get it over with." Don'tdoitdon'tdoitdon'tdoitdon't. "Do you wanna marry me?" Done.

And then you regret it, because his jaw literally drops and his eyes widen and he's looking at you like you're crazy. The silence starts to make your insides strain and twist, and you feel so much dread that it makes you dizzy, because the quiet is just too much. It gives you time to think, and you don't get your best ideas by thinking.

It seems as though you just might double over from the suspense by the time he finally opens his mouth. "You know what? I… Actually, I think I need to be heading back home." Your bloodpusher sinks so low that you wouldn't be all that surprised if it literally ends up somewhere it isn't supposed to be. "But I'll think about it." This doesn't make you feel any better. 

You don't know what to say. A million thoughts overtake you all at once, but most of them are along the lines of, _Why don't you just fucking tell me you can't reciprocate and get it over with?_ because you don't want to feel even the smallest amount of hope. Frankly, you've had about as much of hoping and being disappointed as you can take. But for some reason, you can't tell him that. "Oh, okay. I mean, I'm not going to force you or anything. If you don't feel that way, it's fine. I know I'm kind of an asshole to you most of the time, but that's just how I am, I guess. I don't mean shit by it."

You're trying too hard to sound like it doesn't really matter to you in the long run. You're trying, and even you know you're failing. The next stretch of silence actually isn't as silent as the first one, because this is when it comes to your attention that you forgot to pause the movie. It's also less tense, because you have what you think is the best answer you'll ever get from him.

"No, just…" You look up at him when he finally says something again, and it takes everything in you not to yell at him when he stands up. You don't want him to leave. "Like I said, I just need to mull it over, you know?" 

You don't know, but you wish you did. Maybe then it would feel a little less like getting a door slammed in your face. You really wish you could have kept your shitty mouth shut. Whenever you open it, something goes wrong.

You don't watch him as he starts heading off towards the door. Instead, you look at the wall to your right - the complete opposite direction that he's moving in. You think it's over, and a part of you is sort of relieved, but you catch his farewell. "Goodnight, Karcrab." 

"Night, Dave," you muster, your voice cracking a little. You hardly ever call him Dave. It's always Strider, or Dave Strider, but rarely just Dave. At least, not in the tone you used just then. 

Once he's gone, the room feels less dense, and you can breathe again. You don't let that incident stop you from watching the rest of your movie, but you cry a little harder at the end than you did the first time you watched it. You don't linger on that, though, and you certainly don't think about how much you'd like it if Dave and you could be like one of your romance movies.


	3. not a real chapter (announcement)

I'm probably not going to keep going with this story, but if I do, it won't be very soon. uvu I'm just not good at keeping up with stuff like that. 

However, if you want to know, this is basically how I had it planned out from this point on:

Terezi and Rose were going to call Dave over to hang out and give him a mystery substance (Faygo) and tell him it was alcohol so that when he drank it and didn't get drunk he'd feel like an idiot and pretend to be drunk, at which point they would reveal their cunning prank to him (muahahah. More of a filler chapter tbh)

Then, after that, Dave and Karkat would be forced to talk to each other and would realize that they had been culturally confuzzled, then be ALIEN boyfriends. Boom. Happy ending.


End file.
